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> >> I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
> >> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
> >> prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
> >> definitely going to sh*t yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
> >> although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
> >> written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
> >> your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
> >>
> >> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
> >> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
> >> No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way
> >> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
> >> morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
> >> lightning'.
> >>
> >> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
> >> when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
> >> supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all
> >> seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping
> >> items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of
> >> the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
> >>
> >> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
> >> referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Sh*t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
> >> hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
> >> chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush
> >> for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
> >> forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take
> >> one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet
> >> relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
> >>
> >> There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
> >> enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
> >> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
> >> might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
> >> the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
> >> of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I
> >> needed any help.
> >>
> >> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
> >> reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
> >> dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
> >> emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
> >> will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but
> >> didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
> >> apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could
> >> do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there
> >> blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward
> >> off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
> >> made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
> >>
> >> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> >> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> >> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
> >> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
> >> ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
> >> shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,
> >> and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a
> >> cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand
> >> explosion took place.
> >>
> >> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
> >> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
> >> because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in
> >> while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
> >> Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-
> >> bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
> >>
> >> Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
> >> filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
> >> employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
> >> outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
> >> bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high
> >> for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
> >>
> >> My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
> >> escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
> >> shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
> >> shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
> >> manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
> >> none too kindly not to return!
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